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Ok… I’m gonna ask you a serious, personal question. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate having sex? Ha! I KNOW. A 12, right? I mean, sex is great, especially with that special person in your life. But… yeah, here comes the “But”… some sexual encounters have not worked out so well at all. Here are 10 stories when it would have been a lot better for our featured “stars” just to keep it in their pants!

1. Emma Phillips was a 24-year-old student teacher near Liverpool, England, and was preparing to get it on with her boyfriend, Lee, on a Saturday morning. But they couldn’t find her 7-inch vibrator anywhere. Suddenly, Emma leaned over and a buzz went off inside her. When she sat back up, it stopped. Then she leaned over again and her abdomen started buzzing again. Uh-huh… you get the picture. Her vibrator was stuck inside her. Lee used a fork handle and barbeque prongs to try to remove it, but it had worked its way too far up inside her. Eventually, they gave up and went to the hospital, and her doctor informed her it could not be manually removed and they would have to operate to get it out. The boyfriend, of course, thought it was funny, but Emma said, “I think he should have one put up his bum and take one for the team.” Personally, I don’t think it’s funny at all…..hehehehehe….

2.Jimmy Ferrozzo was a bouncer at San Francisco’s famous Condor Club, which opened in 1964 as the world’s first topless bar. It was well known for many of its topless dancers to stand on a baby grand piano that would be lowered from the ceiling when it was showtime. One night in 1983 after the club closed, Jimmy felt a little, ummm, let’s see….horny….and laid his girlfriend Theresa out on the piano. But, in doing so, one of them accidentally activated the lift, and the piano rose all the way up to the ceiling, crushing Jimmy to death. Theresa was trapped beneath him and had to wait it out until help arrived in the morning. But look at it this way… Jimmy went out on a high note…. Waaa-waaa….

3.When there’s no women around to get playful with, what do we men do? Hey! We just stick it in a bottle! Ok…no. But a 50-year-old sparky kind of Spanish guy decided he was gonna work out his sexual frustrations by doing just that… making whoopee with a plastic bottle. Trouble is, well, I mean aside from wanting to stick your penis in a bottle in the first place, the guy left the bottle attached to his member for four days. By the time he got beyond his embarrassment of it, his penis had developed necrosis, which causes cells to die. His penis had turned black and doctors were forced to amputate it. Ok… let this be a lesson to you guys…. and you know who you are….who get any brilliant ideas when there’s not a consenting partner around. Patience, grasshopper….

4. Ok… our last featured guest had a problem because there was no woman around. THIS guy had a problem because there were TOO MANY women around. Uroko Onoja was a firm believer in polygamy, or having more than one wife. In his case, he had six. …. Gimme a minute…. Nagging multiplied by six….. ok…. Anyway, in 2012, Uroko was spending far too much time boinking the youngest of the wives, which made all his other wives angry. So one day, while he was boinking away at the young wife, the others crashed their little party, yielding knives and sharp sticks and demanding that he take care of each and every one of them right then and there. With a heavy sigh… I’m sure… Onoja gave in, and had sex with each wife… until he got to the very last of the wives… and dropped dead. Obviously, too much of a good thing.

5. A wife was casually making breakfast one morning when her husband decided to be playful and stuck his hardened penis through a loaf of bread. The couple’s dog spotted the sausage-filled loaf, attacked it with mouth-watering hunger and took a bite… a very painful bite. Doctors were later able to reattach the man’s penis. This is why you just don’t play with your food.

6. A 27-year-old Serbian woman was using the vibration of her Nokia cell phone to pleasure herself when the phone slipped far, far up inside her… and she couldn’t get it out. She went to her gynocologist’s office and was in the waiting room when the phone inside her began to ring. I would imagine she let it go to voicemail. Before losing the phone inside her, the woman had turned on a continuously vibrating game called Snake. …. Yes… ironic, isn’t it?

7. A 27-year-old North Carolina man wanted to try something new in his sex life, so he asked his partner to pour concrete mix into his anus. Yes, please visualize now and reconsider any trips to North Carolina. The couple wound up in the doctor’s office a few hours after the incident.

8. Oh… you might also wanna keep Maryland in mind on your watch out list too. A couple in Prince Georges County, Maryland decided to try something new. The boyfriend wanted to give his girlfriend the time of her life by attaching a rubber dildo to the blade of a saber saw and let the good times roll! But after he jammed the dildo-covered saw inside of her and flipped the switch…. Well, the saw tore right through the rubbery pleasure device and chopped away at the inside of her vagina. She was transported by a helicopter to a hospital.

9. We typically don’t think of any of the popes as being bad guys, but in 964 A.D., Pope John XII was just that… and then some. He would often force himself on women if they showed the least bit of resistance toward him. It is believed that the pope died while sleeping with a woman named Stefanetta. It is also very likely the pope, while sexing up the woman, was actually murdered by her husband.

10. When it comes to raunchy politicians, who comes to mind? Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, Anthony Weiner? How about Nelson Rockefeller? Rockefeller was Gerald Ford’s vice president in the 70s and it was reported that he died while working on a book at Rockefeller Center. But later reports indicated that Rockefeller died of a heart attack in January of 1979 while having an intimate relationship at his townhouse with 27-year-old blonde aid Megan Marshack. This led to New York Magazine’s famous joke: “Nelson thought he was coming, but he was going.”

That’s all for today. What a pity, right? Don’t forget to like us and be sure to subscribe for more stories like this. Get addicted to the good stuff… and stay away from plastic bottles and saber saws…..